Mitt Romney says Jesus’s previous statements make him appear anti-business.

no longer my favorite guy but Bill Maher hit a home run Friday.

For a Republican candidate to not disappoint you, he would have to be Jesus of Nazareth.  And even Jesus would be toast after a few news cycles.  Because “feed the hungry”?  Sounds suspiciously like welfare.  And “heal the sick”… for free??  (wild audience applause)  That is definitely Obamacare!  And “turn the other cheek”?  Maybe you didn’t hear, Jesus, but this is the party that cheers executions.  

So here now is the short campaign timeline of Jesus Christ, Republican candidate.   

Day 3
Three days after Jesus announces he’s in, a Gingrich spokesman reports that he read Jesus’s book… and finds some aspects of it troubling.  Mitt Romney says Jesus’s previous statements make him appear anti-business.  And Rick Perry asks if America is ready for a Jewish President.     

Day 7
At the Republican debate, the other candidates pile on the new frontrunner.  Michele Bachmann calls the meek inheriting the earth a colossal expansion of the estate tax.  And Newt Gingrich scores the big zinger when he says, “Mr. Christ, America can’t afford another cheek!”   

Day 9
Teabaggers start getting e-mails from their idiot brother-in-law about how Jesus is not even from this country.  (wild audience applause) ... And was born alongside a bunch of animals in a manger.  And not to harp on it, but where’s the birth certificate?  And if he’s a carpenter, is he too pro-union?   

Day 10
Jesus is now polling fourth behind Perry, Romney, and the pizza guy.  And in a desperate attempt to gain credibility, he goes to New York and has coffee with Trump… who pronounces him, “a decent guy, but a little effeminate”.